We'll Never Have Paris
by BensonFan031015
Summary: Olivia and Alex run into each other at a fundraiser event. After all this time can they put their feelings in the past and continue to enjoy the night with their respective dates? Set in the present time (early season 18) Cabenson
1. Chapter 1

_Police Foundation Fundraiser Gala, 2016_

Olivia shivered slightly from the loss of her coat and tucked the cloakroom tickets for Ed and her jackets into her clutch. She felt Ed's hand move to the small of her back protectively as he gave her a worried glance. She smiled back in assurance that she would be fine, after all, the room wasn't that cold. There were moments when his constant protectiveness was suffocating to someone so used to being alone as Olivia was, but in this particular moment she appreciated it.

She had always felt vulnerable at these big events, like she was under a microscope and moving beside someone else made her automatically feel less visible. _It must be the dress_ she mused to herself. She felt more than equal to conversing with anyone in the room in a professional setting, but something about these events where the men's suits were just more polished versions of their work clothes but the women were expected to put more effort into looking beautiful with hair, makeup and oft revealing dresses changed things for her. Olivia couldn't help feeling like a calf on market day. _How can I expect them to respect my judgment in a critical situation the next day if they have an image of me dolled up like Jayne Mansfield?_

She'd tried to articulate her feelings to Tucker while they were getting ready but he hadn't seemed to quite get it. _I guess he's never been the lady police officer trying to be taken seriously._

Olivia sighed and tried to push the uncomfortable feeling from her mind. She had to admit that she had mellowed over the years, and now she was Lieutenant she knew being there and networking was important, not just for her but for the whole department.

As they moved into the main ballroom she scanned the room inquisitively. Many faces she knew, many she didn't, as expected.

They moved towards the bar and Ed quickly procured them glasses of Champagne. They had hardly clinked their flutes in a quiet toast when he was immediately approached by someone Olivia didn't know and engaged in conversation. Olivia listened idly, being sure to pay enough attention to ' _mmm'_ and nod at the right time, but amusing herself people watching.

Ed's acquaintance was midway though a dull anecdote about the importance of police car maintenance when her eye was caught by a flash of red and gold entering the room. She drew breath sharply, instinctively recognising long cream coloured legs and pale satin hair... _Alex_

 _What was she doing here?_

It had been years. Not intentionally, but not quite unintentionally either. Alex hadn't worked on an SVU case since 2012. Olivia knew she was just a phone call away; she'd even seen her in the distance at the courthouse but avoided making contact. _She still knows how to make an entrance, I'll give her that._

She was wearing a figure skimming red dress, elegant and expensive looking, much like the woman herself. She hadn't aged a day in four years, and Olivia wasn't sure if it was the lighting or if she wasn't positively glowing. She couldn't tear her eyes away as she watched Alex greet Chief Dodds. It was only as Alex gestured to the woman beside her in an obvious introduction that Olivia even registered that she had a companion.

The woman was tall and brunette, with lightly tanned skin and a petite frame. Her dark hair was whisked back into an elegant chignon and her black gown was simple but chic. Olivia didn't recognise her.

Feeling a soft tap on her arm, Olivia realised she had been openly staring and turned back to the conversation in front of her, purposefully ignoring Tucker's questioning eyebrow.

 _"Special Victims Unit, who'd you kill in a past life to get stuck there?"_

Olivia realised that she was being addressed.

 _"A rapist I hope"_ Olivia responded dryly. There was an awkward silence as Tucker's acquaintance didn't know whether to laugh or backpedal. Ever the diplomat, Tucker jumped in.

 _"Olivia is very passionate about SVU Joe, I don't think she considers it penance. But, Ah, before I forget, you mentioned last time I saw you that Golf Course upstate that I simply had to try, where was that again? We've been thinking about taking a weekend away soon."_

Conversation back in safe waters, Olivia couldn't resist looking around for Alex again. Alex and her companion were now in a small cluster of people who were laughing raucously. Something twisted in Olivia's gut watching Alex with the brunette. Was she imagining it, or did Alex's hand lightly brush the mystery woman's forearm as she was gesturing wildly to emphasize a point? Olivia had known Alex a long time, seventeen years, and to watch her to was to open a well read tome and cast ones eyes over familiar passages. Alex didn't have to do something so obvious for Olivia to be able to read her. She may be introducing the woman to everyone else in the room as a friend or colleague but Olivia _knew_. Alex's whole body sang of it, the slight turn of her hip inwards towards the woman, her small sideways glances when the rest of the group had their attention on someone else. The woman was undoubtedly Alex's lover. The anguished pang that pierced Olivia's chest surprised even her. She had seen Alex with many suitors over the years, _but this is different_.

At that moment Alex looked up, directly at Olivia. Their eyes locked for a moment, cerulean blue boring into Olivia's soul before she hastily looked away, turning back to Ed and his conversation.

 _"Anyway Joe, I think I need to find Lieutenant Benson something to eat. Good to see you."_

Tucker hooked his arm though Olivia's and guided her towards a table of canapes.

 _"Liv, I know Joe is dull, but you weren't listening to a word he said. What's wrong?"_

Looking up cautiously, Olivia fixed her eyes intently on Ed, fighting to ignore the flash of red in her peripheral vision.

 _"Nothing Ed, I think I'm just hungrier than I realised, Champagne has gone straight to my head."_

The blur of red had now become too big to ignore. Olivia's eyes widened as she realised Alex and her date were now moving determinedly on a trajectory that would have them bump right into them at the canape table.

 _"Really, Liv. What is it? You look like you've seen a gho"_ Ed didn't get to finish.

 _"Captain Tucker, Lieutenant Benson, how lovely to see you."_

With a smile Tucker shook Alex's hand in greeting. _"ADA Cabot, we're not on duty, do call me Ed"_

With every ounce of self control Olivia forced her cheeks into a smile. _"Alex_ " She nodded in greeting.

 _"So the rumors are true?"_ Typical Alex, straight for the jugular.

Unfazed, Ed laughed, and put his arm loosely around Olivia. _"Can you blame me?"_

Alex laughed good naturedly in answer, but Olivia caught an almost imperceptible flicker of displeasure cross her face.

 _"Allow me to introduce Nathalie Lagarde from the French Consulate in Montreal."_

 _"Lovely to meet you."_ Nathalie's lyrical French accent was warm and gracious. She was even more beautiful in close range. Large, dark, almond shaped eyes echoed her smile with a twinkle, and distinctive, enviable cheekbones lent her face a certain aristocratic grace.

 _"Enchante"_ Tucker took her hand.

 _"Ah, vous parlez francais?"_

Tucker looked confused.

 _"No, he doesn't."_ Olivia interjected. " _But we were on holiday in Paris last month so he nailed the basics "_

She couldn't help but look up at Alex as she said it.

 _._

 _Warm sheets._

 _A stream of sunlight fighting its way through the opaque curtains to touch the bed._

 _Soft pale arms wrap themselves around her, as a firm body presses up against her back._

 _"Mmmph. Lets not go to work today Liv"_

 _"Really counselor. And what do you propose we do instead?"_

 _"Go to Paris."_

 _Olivia groans and rolls over to face Alex. She tenderly brushes blonde tendrils from her face._

 _"And what would Donnelly say about that?"_

 _"Ewww, Liv, you can't talk about Donnelly while we're naked." Alex buries her head in Olivia's shoulder, tickling her with her eyelashes as she plants soft kisses along her collarbone. The traffic noises as peak hour begins outside fade into the background as all of Olivia's senses are consumed by Alex._

 _"Mmmm . You're obsessed with Paris."_

 _"It's my happy place."_

 _"I've never been."_

 _Alex draws back abruptly. "Sacre Bleu! Mademoiselle Benson we must fix this" she exclaims in a terrible French accent._

 _Olivia laughs and runs her hands down Alex's smooth back seductively._

 _"I'm serious Liv. We deserve it after this year. As soon as this case is over let's plan a trip."_

 _"And how do we explain that we're on holiday to the same city at the same time?" Olivia's hands have moved down to cup Alex's derriere, and she squeezes it suggestively._

 _"We'll figure something out. Paris is special, I want to share it with you." Alex's voice is husky now, a whisper close to her ear._

 _Alex kisses her then, and her mind goes blank as their bodies melt together._

 _The case doesn't finish though. Not in the way they expect it to. Less than a week later Alex is in an unmarked car headed to Wisconsin and Olivia is sitting at the back of an Episcopalian church watching her Funeral. Thinking about the last time they made love. Thinking about Paris._

.

Alex's expression was unreadable, her courtroom face, but Olivia would bet her apartment that she was recalling the same moment.

"Ah, 'ow nice" Seemingly oblivious to the rising tension, Nathalie smiled at Olivia and Tucker.

 _"but tell me, what is the French Government doing at a NYPD benefit? France aren't donating are they?"_ Ed chuckled at his own joke.

 _"Mais non, unfortunately not. I am 'ere as a private citizen. I was simply visiting New York and Alex suggested I join 'er."_

 _"And Alex can be very compelling when she makes a suggestion."_ Olivia kept her tone light and jovial, pausing as Nathalie nodded and gave Alex a knowing smile. Olivia then continued, _"So tell me, how do you two know each other?"_

 _"We met in the Congo actually."_ Alex seemed to have found her voice again.

 _"well, that is the short version."_ animated, Nathalie was clearly much keener than Alex to recount it.

 _"I'm intrigued."_ Ed's encouragement was all Nathalie needed to continue.

 _"Well, to say we met in the Congo is a very loose description. We were working at the same agency, but the overlap of our time there was quite small and we didn't 'ave much to do with each other."_

Alex interjected. _"you didn't like me."_

 _"non!"_

 _"it's true. She didn't like me._ " her tone was teasing now.

Olivia's stomach twisted again at their easy banter.

 _"well, lets just say that you were not the warmest person there."_ she gave Alex that little smile again. _"anyway, we didn't stay in touch, but about 18 months later I found myself in New York in, 'ow you say, ah, a sticky situation. I was transiting for 2 days on my way back to Paris and my luggage was delayed, so I decided to get a bite to eat and do some shopping on the way to my 'otel, but I was mugged near Times Square, I lost all my travel documents, all my money."_ She paused for effect. _"Never in my life did I 'ave so much bad luck. Without my planner I couldn't even remember the name of my otel."_

 _"My god."_ Ed was a captive audience.

 _"It was a Friday night so the embassy was closed. I 'ad no idea what to do, I didn't think I knew anyone in New York. Then as I was sitting in the Police Station I remembered that this icy American lady I had met briefly in the Congo, this Cabot, she was from New York. The kind Policeman helped me to contact 'er office, and luckily she remembered me. She whisked down there immediately, threatened the officers that if they didn't do their best to 'elp me it would amount to an international incident, took me to dinner, made me laugh again and put me up in 'er spare room for the week it took to get my passport reissued. She saved me."_

 _"It wasn't that dramatic. Besides, what choice did I have? I couldn't leave you to sleep in the police station."_

 _You could have given me some money and dropped me at a 'otel. So you see, my misfortune was the beginning of a beautiful friendship."_

 _"Quite the meet cute."_ Olivia commented politely.

 _"Almost like the time you arrested Olivia"_ said Alex shortly to Tucker, and Olivia could see that she immediately regretted it.

 _"Well, all's well that ends well, you're not the only ones that didn't have love at first sight."_ Olivia wasn't sure if she was jumping in to the awkward pause to save Ed or Alex from the embarrassment. No sooner were the words out of her mouth than she realised she had actually made the situation worse by implying that Alex and Nathalie were in love. If Olivia wasn't already sure that they were a couple, the stricken look that momentarily flashed across Alex's face, confusion on Ed s and the way Nathalie looked to Alex for guidance confirmed it.

The awkward silence continued a moment before Nathalie raised her glass _"To changing your mind about someone"_

Her genuine smile and confident statement had diffusing powers, and Olivia could easily see that she was a formidable diplomat.

 _"Cheers to that."_ Ed chimed in his arm snaking back around Olivia's waist. They tapped glasses, and as they took a sip they were joined by a colleague of Alex's from the DA s office. He nodded to the group.

 _"What are we toasting? Have you convinced her yet?_ " His question was directed at Alex.

 _"unfortunately not."_ Seeing the blank looks on Olivia and Ed's faces she continued. _"I'm trying to convince Nathalie to take position at the French Consulate in New York, that was one of the reasons I insisted she accompany me tonight. Surely a night surrounded by the very finest of New York s Finest will help convince her crime here isn't as bad as her personal experience would suggest!"_

Nathalie shook her head. _"But I think I have spent enough time in North America, I miss Europe. I also 'ave an opportunity at the EU headquarters in Brussels that at the moment is more appealing than New York for me. I 'ave my own mission to convince Alex to take a job in The Hague."_

Alex shrugged. _"Let's see how this election pans out. You might be the winner when we wake up on Nov 9."_

 _"You wouldn't seriously leave New York again?"_ Olivia realised her voice was a lot more upset and accusative than she intended.

 _"Just because Alex is the New Yorkiest New Yorker I know!"_ She looked around the group with a forced smile, appealing for backup on this statement.

 _"I do love this city, but things have stalled a bit for me at the DA's office, working at the International Criminal Court would be fascinating. Besides, if it comes to a choice between living in a Trump America and eating waffles for breakfast by a canal, its not a hard call."_

Alex's jest fell flat on Olivia. _"The Alex I knew wouldn't just jump ship because of an awful administration, she'd stay and fight for those that needed her."_ Olivia's tone had become bitter, and her words hung in the air. For once Alex clearly didn't know how to respond.

 _"Come on Olivia, taking a huge opportunity for her career at such a prestigious international organisation can hardly be construed as jumping ship"_ Ed's tone was conciliatory, and Olivia reddened, knowing how inappropriate her outburst had been. _"besides, I wouldn't say no to Waffles by a canal!"_

 _"and all that French wine!"_ Alex's colleague from the DA s office chimed in.

 _"On that note, I think its time for another drink."_ Olivia gestured abruptly with her empty champagne flute and with a small tug on Ed's arm took leave of the group. No sooner had they blended into the crowd when Ed turned to Olivia.

 _"Why do I feel like I missed something huge in that conversation?"_

 _"Conversation? You mean Cabot's little Don't ask Don't tell theatre production?"_ Olivia spat viciously. She was livid. _How dare Alex just give up on New York, on America, the moment some French floozy came along._

 _"Olivia, what the hell are you talking about? I know you and Cabot used to be close friends, but you haven't talked about her since we've been together. Why are you so upset?"_

Olivia took a deep breath and tried to regain control over her tone and pitch. _"It just sounded like a hasty decision. Alex is a New Yorker through and through, I can't see her being happy in some tiny European port city. Clearly I overreacted, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you."_

Tucker shook his head. _"Lucky you're gorgeous in that dress. I haven't seen you so angry since the last time I arrested someone from SVU."_

Olivia rolled her eyes. _"She is brilliant though. Look at the way she's leaving everyone enchanted with her French amour."_ Olivia couldn't resist rolling the last word off her tongue with just a little sarcasm.

 _"Olivia, you've lost me again."_

 _"Alex is flawlessly executing a six point Coming Out strategy. She hasn't been tied to any serious male suitor in years, now she's strategically introducing her 'friend' to key professional and social contacts, who are charmed of course. Nathalie will become a fixture next to Alex at events where they will tell hilarious anecdotes that hint at a close friendship but don't quite arouse suspicion. Then if Nathalie moves to New York it will only be natural that she'll be staying with Alex while she finds her feet because of the horrendous property market. By the time the New York Times style section features Ruth Bader Ginsburg officiating their understated but elegant Wedding at the Cabot country house, everyone will either know without quite knowing when they first knew, or be so embarrassed that they didn't see the obvious that they won't be gossiping about it."_

Tucker's eyes were wide, his expression incredulous. _"Cabot's gay?! That woman?! Alexandra Cabot! In that dress?!"_

 _"Ed!"_ Olivia hissed his name in embarrassed admonishment.

 _"God, its a genius plan. Not that I would expect anything else from her."_

 _Yeah, genius._ Olivia grimaced. _I only pretty much wrote it for her over a decade ago. Back when she was too chicken shit to actually go ahead with it._ Deciding that was information better left unsaid, Olivia just nodded.

 _"I still don't understand why you're upset Liv. If Alex is in love and happy, isn't that a good thing? Nathalie seems perfect for her; elegant, intelligent, stunning."_

 _"I just have a weird feeling about it."_

 _"Cabot is a grown woman Liv, and an exceptional one at that. If she really has been in the closet all this time then Nathalie must be a remarkable woman for her to finally consider coming out."_

Olivia felt like she'd been punched in the gut. Tears sprang to her eyes and she blinked them back furiously, looking down in the hope that Tucker wouldn't see. The air seemed thick all of a sudden, she needed to sit down.

"Ed, I need the ladies room. Chief Dodds is just there, why don't you say hello and I'll be right with you?"

Olivia knew the nearest bathroom was just behind the canape table, but she couldn't face an audience to her misery. She strode purposefully, or as purposefully as one can in an evening gown, to the back of the room. She was pretty sure she recalled being in an annex to this room at a previous event and that there were some toilets there.

As anticipated, these toilets appeared to be deserted. She stuck her head around the corner of the line of stalls to check, before settling on the small settee in the mirrored entrance chamber. Olivia let out a long slow breath and massaged her temples. On her march to the bathrooms she felt almost hysterical, anger and sorrow and bitterness churning in her mind. Now, alone in the silence, she was deflated. Empty and sad.

Unintentionally in his attempt to rationalize her Ed had managed to wallop her most tender wound. She hadn't even processed where her anger was coming from before he had put it into words on her behalf.

 _Nathalie must be a remarkable woman for her to finally consider coming out._

And that was exactly what had bothered her; from the moment she saw them across the room. Olivia had had a long time to reconcile herself to the idea that she and Alex hadn't worked, _wouldn't work_. She had accepted that Alex wasn't capable of coming out, wasn't prepared to put a partner ahead of her career. Alex's drive and passion was part of her attraction, and she realised somewhere along the way that she had romanticized the idea. Seeing Alex with a male beau was to see her in exile. Olivia couldn't feel jealous when she knew that whoever he was, he wasn't getting all of Alex. There would always be a part of her in reserve. She could imagine the excuses, Alex craftily evading physical intimacy while still stringing him along.

Nathalie was different. _So fucking different._

And as Tucker had spoken, Olivia had realised that a tiny part of her had kept believing, for all these years, that if Alex was ever ready to come out, it would be for her. Removing that thought from the equation was like running a scalpel through scar tissue. Old wounds were bleeding again. _Was I not enough?_

The door creaked, alerting Olivia that someone was intruding on her solitude. She froze, as she looked up and saw an all too familiar flash of red. Alex was stood stock still in the doorway, clearly as stunned to see Olivia as Olivia was to see her. Neither of them moved for what felt like a full minute.

 _"Liv"_

Olivia ignored Alex and stood up. She walked to the mirror and inspected her makeup, using a finger to brush her slightly smeared eyeliner into submission. She then moved towards the door. Alex still hadn t shifted, and was blocking her exit. Olivia cleared her throat.

 _"I was just leaving."_

 _"Liv."_ This time Alex stretched her arm out to brush against Olivia's.

 _"Liv, what's wrong?"_

 _"Nothing that is any of your concern."_

They stood in stalemate, Alex's hand still lightly touching Olivia s forearm. Olivia wasn't quite prepared to push her out of the way, and Alex showed no inclination of budging. They artfully avoided eye contact.

Olivia finally spoke, so softly that Alex almost missed it. _"Congratulations Lex. I'm happy for you."_

 _"You've got a funny way of showing it, biting my head off in front of everyone."_

Olivia felt her anger flare once more. She pulled back from Alex.

 _"Well, I meant it. The Alex I knew wouldn't jump ship."_ she paused, teetering on the edge of recklessness for a moment before ultimately relinquishing sense to emotion. _"But then again, the Alex I knew wouldn't bring a woman to a fundraiser as her date."_

There. She had said it.

 _"Coming from the woman playing happy families with the Rat Squad."_ Alex's bright blue eyes flashed. Olivia's heart beat faster.

 _God she's sexy when she's angry._

 _"Least he's not embarrassed to be seen with me."_

 _"gee; now it s my fault that I'm not part of the heteronormative patriarchy, so secure in my privilege that I don t have to worry about the implications of my social life on my career. Sorry Olivia, I'm not a straight white man for you to build your picket fence with."_

Every part of Alex bristled with indignation, her hand visibly quivering, but Olivia wasn't prepared to back now.

 _"I never asked for a picket fucking fence. You didn't even kiss me goodbye."_

 _"what?"_ Alex had the nerve to look surprised, like it took her a second to work out what Olivia was talking about.

 _"when you got into the truck that night, you were still more concerned with what some FBI agents thought of you than kissing your girlfriend goodbye."_ Olivia fought to keep her voice level.

 _"I was trying to protect you. I didn't want Velez to go after you too."_ Alex spoke slowly as if starting the obvious.

Olivia rolled her eyes and suppressed the urge to stamp her foot.

 _"Bullshit Alex. everyone there was on the job."_

 _"and if there was no such thing as a rat, your boyfriend would be out of a job."_

Alex's sarcasm just made Olivia more enraged. _"Why do you have a problem with Ed?"_

 _"Why are you yelling at me about something that happened fourteen years ago?"_

Alex's flaming eyes met Olivia's and this time she refused to look away. Olivia's breath caught, the depth and intensity of Alex's gaze shocked her. There was something else too, a level of passion that she had rarely seen there before. It may have sounded like a semi rhetorical question, but Olivia could see that Alex cared deeply about her answer. Something about knowing that broke her anger abruptly.

 _"because."_ Olivia involuntarily choked up as she tried to put it into words, but now she had some this far she was determined to continue.

 _"because"_ she went on softly _"because for fourteen years I told myself that you didn't come back to me because you couldn't deal with being gay on top of everything else. In the hotel room when you told me about your boyfriend in Wisconsin, then later when you got engaged to Robert that you weren't capable of dealing with being the gay ADA on top of being the one back from the dead. You still broke my heart, but I got through it convincing myself it wasn't about me, it was you. Then tonight I saw Nathalie"_

Olivia's voice had been husky and now it completely disappeared. Alex hadn't broken her gaze, but the fire in her eyes had softened. There was a tenderness reflected in the deep blue wells. Olivia hated making herself so vulnerable to Alex of all people, the person who she had finally let herself love with abandon and who in turn had wounded her so deeply, but there was something cathartic about finally having the argument that they perhaps should have had years ago.

 _"because tonight I saw Nathalie and I realised that maybe what we had wasn't worth, that I wasn't worth coming out for."_

Alex put both her hands on Olivia's upper arms, almost cradling her.

 _"Liv, it wasn't like that."_

Olivia's arms burned beneath Alex s touch and she couldn't find any words, so she waited for Alex to continue.

 _"when I came back for the trial I had no idea how much longer I would have to be in witness protection. Years, a lifetime even. Before I left Wisconsin I vowed that whatever else happened in the city, I needed to make sure that you weren't waiting for me. I thought about you every fucking day, and the only thing worse than wondering if you were with someone else was wondering if you weren't with someone else. If you were waiting for me and suffering as deeply as I was."_

She paused, seeming to consider how best to continue.

 _"Liv, there was no guy in Wisconsin, but I knew that thinking I had moved on was the only way to make sure you did. My life was ruined, but yours didn't have to be. I wanted to set you free."_

Alex was almost whispering now. Olivia was in shock; she didn't really know what to think. The jaded, hurt part of Olivia wanted to challenge it, wasn't sure if she could believe it, but she knew Alex, and she couldn't doubt the sincerity of her countenance.

 _"I thought I was being noble, but it backfired on me when hardly a year later I found myself back in New York. I didn't know what to say to explain myself. My whole charade with the fake boyfriend just felt silly. And you were right about not being ready to cope with being publicly out. I didn't know how I could win you back when I couldn't offer what you had always wanted from me. So I did nothing."_

A single tear rolled down Alex's pale cheek. Olivia instinctively reached up and brushed it aside. Alex's hands slid down Olivia s arms, and Olivia reached out to intertwine their fingers before she could drop her hands completely.

 _"I figured I should just find a husband, make everything easier. Robert was perfect on paper but in the end I couldn't go through with it. Then when Greylek departed and the opening came up in SVU I couldn't resist putting myself forward. I thought... I don't know what I thought. Perhaps that being near you, as your friend, would be less painful than not being near you. But it wasn't. You'd changed, grown your hair, femmed up. Munch and Fin were talking about how you just wanted to settle down, have a baby. Everything I couldn't give you. So I ran away to Africa."_

Both women stood in silence, hands still clasped.

Olivia's mind couldn't process it all fast enough. She didn't know what to say. A small voice in her head was screaming that Alex hadn't gotten to the bit where she stopped loving her. Olivia could say a million things about how stupid Alex had been, but she could tell from the pain etched all over her face that Alex already knew all of that.

 _"So here we are."_

 _"Here we are. Making ungracious digs at each other at a charity ball."_ Olivia smiled fleetingly at Alex s forthrightness. Some things never changed. Her expression turned serious.

 _"And you have Nathalie."_ Olivia's tone was temperate and factual.

 _"And you have Ed."_ Alex echoed.

 _"And you're moving to Europe."_

 _"That's not set in stone."_

Olivia sighed. _"It feels like you're always leaving."_

Alex shook her head. _"If I thought there was a chance in hell of this, I wouldn't go as far as Jersey City."_

Olivia didn't have time to question what _this_ was. Alex closed the space between them with a sudden sweeping confidence, her lips meeting Olivia's with unabashed hunger. Unthinking, Olivia returned the kiss. Her mind swept blissfully blank, her heart leapt. Alex was intoxicating. Soft but powerful lips caressing hers roughly. When their tongues met, Olivia felt a shiver of delight run through her entire body. Alex must have felt it too because at that moment her arms pulled Olivia close, possessively, comfortingly. For all the adrenaline of acting upon the forbidden that hung over them there was another layer to the kiss. Kissing Alex felt like coming home.

They broke apart, panting.

Alex looked at Olivia intently, a million questions in her eyes.

Overwhelmed, Olivia looked down. She looked up again a moment later, only to see the back of Alex silently disappear though the door. Her instinct was to follow, any way to prolong the moment. She shivered and wondered if she was delirious. If every part of her wasn't tingling so furiously she would have believed the dreamlike sequence of their argument, that kiss, was mere hallucination.

She was still lightly panting when she realised that Alex had left her there. The act of her leaving irked Olivia in its echo of everything that had passed between them in the last two decades. Even after their intimate confessions, Alex wasn't capable of leaving herself vulnerable for even a moment to wait for Olivia's answer. _No. She doesn't get to just do that and leave again._

Olivia pushed her way out of the bathroom and marched back towards the main party room. She saw the red and blonde form weaving across the room and followed. It didn t take her long to catch up, as Alex stopped abruptly 10 feet before the exit. Olivia almost collided with her and was about to grab her shoulder roughly when she realised what had made Alex stop. Tucker and Nathalie were standing together talking animatedly. Their phones were out, obviously either exchanging numbers or comparing schedules.

 _"Oh god. Do something!"_ Olivia hissed at Alex, making the taller woman jump. She hadn't noticed Olivia appear behind her.

Alex was frozen. Uncharacteristically helpless, like she didn t know what to do now she had opened Pandora s box. It wasn t like Alex not to have a plan, and it stuck Olivia just how impromptu what had passed between them must have been. Olivia took charge, pushing past Alex and approaching Tucker and Nathalie.

 _"Ed, there you are! I got pulled into conversation on my way back then couldn't find you!"_ She kept her voice light, and forced a warm smile, even though her heart was pounding so ferociously that she feared the whole room could hear it. _"Nathalie, lovely to see you again. Have you managed to lose Alex too?"_

Ed gave Olivia and smile and a brief hand squeeze in greeting. It made her heart ache with guilt.

 _"Yes, I did. But it gave me a chance to ave a lovely conversation with Ed about your trip to Paris. e was just telling me about ow much you enjoyed the food."_ Mid sentence Alex floated up behind Nathalie, and merely nodded at the group in greeting.

 _"Nathalie has recommended a superb French restaurant here in New York we must try, and we were just trying to find a date we could all go together."_ Ed spoke animatedly, waving his phone through the air.

 _"That sounds lovely"_ Olivia said, with a flick of her eyes towards Alex. _"Unfortunately my work is quite unpredictable. I used to joke that I never had a dinner plan I hadn't rescheduled at least 4 times."_ She laughed apologetically.

 _"Nonsense, unless a huge case breaks you're always home by seven these days. We were thinking Thursday this week. I know that's one of the nights that Lucy can stay later with Noah."_

Olivia mentally cursed Ed and his determination to make this dinner happen.

 _"I think I have a meeting on Thursday evening."_ Alex chimed in businesslike. Olivia could see that she had slipped back into her courtroom persona.

 _"Yes, but you'll be finished by eight. It's not like we can eat French food at six o'clock anyway. We must dine as if we are in Paris. You keep saying you want me to get to know your friends, this is the perfect opportunity!"_ Nathalie spoke decisively.

 _"Wonderful, Thursday it is!"_ Ed sounded genuinely excited.

Olivia looked up at Alex. _Shit._

 _._

a/n Just a little something that popped into my head. Had intended it to be a one shot but if I get enough requests and follows I will continue. Just how awkward can dinner with two successful mature couples be? ;)

Please forgive any punctuation & spacing errors - I had a terrible time uploading and had to upload plain text and reinsert all the punctation, paragraphs and italics etc!


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia sat at her desk, absentmindedly toying with her phone, procrastinating getting up and leaving for the day. She had carefully drafted a message earlier that afternoon but was still undecided as to whether she should send it.

 _'_ _Do we need to talk before dinner?'_

No niceties needed. She presumed Alex still had her number, and if not, well, Alex was more than intelligent enough to figure out whom it was from. In the end the dinner plans had been rescheduled buying Olivia a little more time, but as the date moved closer she felt just as tumultuous and unresolved.

It was Olivia's brief conversation with Carisi a few days before which had triggered her thought that perhaps she and Alex better privately agree on what was 'shared knowledge' before their dinner later that week.

The team had just witnessed a man discovering his wife moonlighted as an escort for thrills when Olivia found herself tempering her colleague's shock with the words, _"Every relationship has secrets Carisi"._ Luckily she'd been saved by the arrival of Finn and Rollins as he asked how things were going with her and Ed.

Olivia leant back in her chair and ran her fingers through her hair.

Yes, she was the first to admit she hadn't quite shared every detail of her life with Tucker… yet. After two decades in a job where she saw the very worst of relationships she did genuinely believe that every relationship had secrets, and depending on what those secrets were, that _might_ not always be such a bad thing.

Ed didn't know that she and Alex had been together romantically. Considering that it was 14 years since they had broken up, and that they had since worked together and clawed the shell of a platonic friendship together in those times, she didn't view it as particularly relevant information for him to have about her life. Or at least it hadn't been until they were going to be sitting across from Alex and her stunning new girlfriend at dinner.

Olivia inwardly groaned, flicking between apps on her phone and avoiding making a final decision about her message to Alex. A moment later she tossed the phone down on a stack of papers in frustration.

She also hadn't overtly told Ed that she was bisexual. She'd tried to hint a number of times, commenting on public figures, but he had never been quite perceptive enough to get it and she had chickened out of being more obvious. But it wasn't just that. Admitting she had a history with Alex was more complicated than merely divulging the full spectrum of her sexuality… it was also confessing to something that, in Ed's eyes at least, would have been a major conflict of interest for a significant part of her career. She knew Ed, and for him that would be a far bigger deal than the gender of the person she had compromised her professionalism with. Ed had been clear about his trust issues after his failed marriage and his time in IAB, and the look in his eyes when he reasserted that he trusted her… God, What was she supposed to say after that?

 _send._

Even if Ed did eventually need to find out, best not to be in a crowded French Restaurant or because Alex was suddenly possessed to tell an anecdote involving a long stakeout and some very hot phone sex. Not that she would have ever had to worry about the old Alex doing anything of the sort, but this new Alex that brought a woman to public functions and dared to kiss her in a public bathroom; _who knew what this Alex was capable of_?

Olivia's phone beeped almost right away.

 _'_ _I don't know. Do we?'_

 _Fucking Lawyer_. Of course she wouldn't give a straightforward answer.

On some level Olivia sympathised with this obvious emotional retreat. She knew that the things Alex said to her in the bathroom were not things that Alex found easy to say. Alex had always been terrible at talking about her feelings, and Olivia was prepared to bet that hadn't changed too much. Not that Olivia had been much better, which was perhaps why things had gone so wrong. Olivia had met Alex's parents a handful of times, and in the quiet darkness of 2am on sleepless nights she had heard tearful whispered stories about a house with many pretty things but very little love in it. Alex had spent a lifetime conditioning herself not to be vulnerable.

The reality was, understanding Alex didn't necessarily make it any easier to be with her. Although to be fair, in hindsight, Olivia only truly understood Alex after she had already lost her. It was witnessing the cold, detached way Alex's parents had dealt with her death that had illuminated for Olivia so much of what the eloquent attorney had never been able to articulate about her childhood in their time together.

Olivia massaged her temples, still looking down at her phone screen that had eventually flicked to black after she hadn't touched it for a minute.

The irony was, as incredible as normal Alex was, she was even more phenomenal on the rare occasion that she let her guard down. Olivia would never forget her ferocity in the Cavanagh case. Olivia had always been attracted to the uptight, skilful ADA Alex, but it was that version of Alex, whose passion veered on the edge of recklessness, and whose heart ran deeper than anyone knew, that Olivia had loved with every fibre of her being.

Olivia tapped her phone so it lit up again.

' _I don't know. Do we?'_

The nonchalance of Alex's reply was undermined by the speed of it. Alex could feign detachment, but Olivia clearly had her full attention. And knowing she had Alex's full attention gave Olivia an involuntary swell of adrenaline, a curl of excitement undulating in her stomach. _Old habits die hard._

Olivia started to type _Fucking Lawyer_ then deleted it, before with a smirk to herself typing it out again.

 _'_ _Fucking Lawyer. Little playground by the fountain on our old running route. 4:30pm'_

.

 _It's 2002._

 _The yellow lamplight reflects eerily against the dark mahogany desk and shelves in the ADA's office._

 _Blinds shut; the room feels cave like at night._

 _Heavy volumes of old fashioned books are scattered on Alex's desk, their places on her immaculately organised bookcase gaping._

 _Olivia knows Alex has inherited almost everything in this room from a predecessor but in this moment the stuffiness and inflexibility implicit in the decor feels like it comes directly from the attorney._

 _Alex sits resolutely in her desk chair; sharp angles of her folded arms and cocked head belying a stubbornness that gets under Olivia's skin. The detective is pacing angrily already but the cocky confidence of the ADA drives the heat of her annoyance into irrational territory._

 _"_ _So we just let him go? Wait until he hurts someone else?"_

 _Olivia waves her arms uncharacteristically as she speaks, causing her loose fitting shirt to snag at the normally obscured curves of her body._

 _Barbs fly back and forth;_

 _"_ _We don't have enough evidence for the warrant."_

 _"_ _You know he did it."_

 _"_ _Find the murder weapon then. Link it to him." Alex's measured tone is antagonising._

 _"_ _Like it's that simple" Olivia spits back._

 _Taking the bait, the imposing attorney springs to her feet. Her white blouse still meticulously tucked into a tight pencil skirt that pulls firm over her achingly perfect derrière and thighs._

 _"_ _You think this is what I want?" Alex draws out the vowel sound of the 'I' in a way that hovers between sarcasm and exasperation. Her bright blue eyes burn hot on Olivia's skin._

 _"_ _Well what do you want counsellor?" Olivia's throws the question out venomously articulating the o in do. She has stopped pacing and is facing Alex directly, hands on hips. Her silhouette is fierce and dark eyes molten with fury._

 _The attorney's heart hammers. She is insulted, furious but nevertheless unable to quash the sensation of being extremely turned on. Despite her better judgment she finds herself pushing around her desk to face the detective head on._

 _"_ _We're supposed to be on the same team." As the words leave her lips, Alex sees a small spark in Olivia's eyes. Not for the first time in an argument, it feels like they could be talking about something else. There is an intangible, unspeakable tremor between them._

 _Olivia pauses a second. "You didn't answer my question". Part of her knows she's out of line, knows that Alex is doing her best within the existing legal framework, knows that she should back off. But she can't help it. Fighting with Alex is her drug of choice._

 _Alex summons every ounce of self control, her courtroom demeanour gifting her an advantage in any argument. "I want justice to be served."_

 _Olivia rolls her eyes. "Fucking Lawyer."_

 _She turns to leave; it's part of the dance. Once Alex glazes over into her courtroom expression there is no point in continuing to bait her._

 _This time though, Olivia feels a smooth hand roughly grasp her wrist, pulling her back. She spins around, eyes wide at this deviation from the script. She feels an immediate, involuntary flush in her cheeks at the feeling of Alex's skin on her pulse point._

 _The attorney studies her intently for half a second, and must find whatever confirmation she's looking for on Olivia's face because she then does the unthinkable, and kisses her._

 _It's a deep, frenzied kiss from the first moment. Olivia doesn't hesitate opening her mouth and letting the Attorney taste every bit of her. Feeling Alex's unbridled hunger in every fibre of her being swells Olivia's own heady lust for the blonde. Olivia instinctively pushes back, fighting for control without breaking contact between their lips and tongues. They stagger a few paces until Alex's taut buttocks smack up against the dense wood of her desk. Olivia presses against her, moaning as she feels Alex's hands snake around her backside, pulling her even closer._

 _The culmination of two years of unresolved tension is electrifying to the point of animalistic. Olivia has never felt anything like this before. The sensation of Alex's tongue on hers, duelling, dancing, sends shivers through her body. Alex is forced to pull her hands behind her to support herself as they threaten to topple onto the desktop. As Alex gasps for air Olivia kisses down her long pale neck, pausing to suck briefly at a pulse point, before feeling the blonde seeking her lips once more. Olivia's hands move to the blonde's breasts, a jolt of pleasure cutting her core as she feels hard nipples beneath her palms through layers of fabric. Alex lets out a guttural mewl of gratification. If Olivia thinks that angering Alex is addictive, then pleasuring Alex has enslaved her senses._

 _Olivia reaches down and hooks her hands around the attorney's rear, hoisting her up onto the edge of the desk; she feels Alex's thighs grip her hips and sighs into their kiss. No longer needing to lean back on her hands, Alex's nimble fingers find their way to Olivia's belt. One of Olivia's hands begins to fumble with the buttons on Alex's blouse, while the other grasps her thigh, slowly sliding under the fabric of her skirt. The desire to pleasure each other has spiralled into a kind of salacious, primal rivalry, Olivia's roaming fingers finding soaked satin the same moment that Alex's hand thrusts down into her trousers. This time they moan together. Alex is wet. So fucking wet. Olivia feels a gush of moisture to her own core in response. They rub each other roughly, kisses messy, fingers caressing and scraping almost haphazardly as each woman battles her own overwhelming pleasure to keep stroking the other._

 _Despite her best attempts to gain the upper hand, it is Olivia that loses control first, crying out hoarsely and clenching against the taller blonde. Olivia's climax tips Alex over the edge, the attorney growls and Olivia feels a surge of wetness between the Alex's legs. Knowing she's responsible for Alexandra Cabot's orgasm causes Olivia to shudder again. She's never come with her underwear still on before and now it's happened twice._

 _They hold each other in silence. Each still rasping for breath._

 _Olivia catches Alex's eye for the first time since they started to kiss. She grins. "Fucking lawyer indeed."_

 _Alex laughs uproariously in a way that is for once uncontrolled and genuine. It's the most beautiful sound Olivia has ever heard._

.

Olivia had one eye on Noah, and one eye on the pathway as she pushed him gently on the swing. He was giggling with every sweep upwards, small arms flapping around excitedly in the winter sun.

In between pushes she pulled her navy coat more tightly around her, perhaps as a protective reflex, and rehearsed what she was going to say in her head. _I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page. Ed doesn't know our full history, I'd prefer it if you respected that over dinner._

Olivia looked at her watch. She didn't doubt Alex would show up. For what felt like the first time in seventeen years Olivia had the advantage. As much as she wanted Alex to hold her tongue at dinner, she knew Alex would be even more curious as to what, if anything, Olivia had told Ed about their encounter in the bathrooms at the Ball.

And then there was the question that the implications of Alex's confession had hung between them.

In that part, having the advantage felt like a double edged sword. Olivia kept telling herself there was no decision to be made. She was with Ed, and no one, not even Alexandra Cabot could just swoop in and upend her life like that. But her subconscious had other ideas. Lying in bed, she imagined long blonde tendrils of hair tickling her back; worse, when Ed kissed her she involuntarily compared it to kissing Alex in the bathroom that night. Even now pushing Noah, a small part of her brain wondered what Alex 2.0 would be like with a child. Would she push him on the swing like this?

Olivia's fantasy Alex was interrupted then by the woman herself. Olivia spotted Alex before the blonde spotted her. Hair tamed back in a classic twist, black trench coat cinched at the waist, long loose trousers elegantly skimming the front of high heeled boots, she was walking purposefully towards the playground. Olivia could see Alex scouring benches, and it occurred to her that depending on just how well the rumour mill worked these days Alex might not know she had a child.

Olivia raised her arm and waved, successfully catching Alex's attention.

The blonde strode over, Olivia trying not to stare as she attempted to read Alex's face.

 _"_ _I didn't realise we'd have company"_ Alex nodded at Noah, her expression fixed and impossible to read.

 _"_ _This is my son, Noah."_ Olivia's voice echoed in her own ears. She didn't know why she felt so awkward. It's not like she had purposely hidden Noah from Alex. They've had one conversation in the last four years.

 _"_ _My sources aren't as reliable as I thought then, I didn't realise you'd been with Tucker so long."_

The blonde had arranged her face in the appearance of good natured curiosity, but she couldn't fool Olivia. Alex Cabot could give interrogation tactics artisanal quality. She desperately wanted to know if Ed was Noah's father but wasn't prepared to outright ask.

Olivia felt her cheeks flush slightly. For some reason she found herself unwilling to give Alex the satisfaction of knowing that Noah wasn't Ed's son. It felt like admitting a weakness in their relationship.

 _"_ _Not knowing your sources, I can't comment on their reliability."_

Alex fixed Olivia her eyes on Olivia and didn't look away. In the dull light they looked periwinkle blue instead of their normal bright cerulean, but that didn't diminish the intensity of her stare. She didn't speak.

Knowing Alex's tactics didn't make it any easier to withstand them. As the silence lingered, Olivia fought the urge to start talking and explain. Olivia nervously glanced away and then looked back at the blonde. Alex's had brow furrowed slightly. There was something fleeting in her eyes, an unexpected crushed look that plucked at something deep within Olivia.

 _"_ _He's adopted actually, I adopted him alone before Tucker and I…"_ she trailed off before continuing. _"Ed hasn't adopted Noah yet, it hasn't really been that long, and it's a serious step. We want to be sure…"_ her words hung in the air.

To the uninitiated observer Alex looked to have relaxed a little, but to Olivia's trained eye she was positively gleeful.

 _"_ _Of course."_ Alex said, nodding with what Olivia observed to be the first genuine smile that day.

Olivia could see the wheels turning in that beautiful, complex mind. The implication was that Olivia wasn't sure about Tucker and hearing this Alex looked as if someone had breathed life back into her. That wasn't really what Olivia had meant, but she couldn't think of what else to say. Insisting on the seriousness of their relationship seemed hollow, and would only dig her hole deeper.

Noah heard the voices behind him and chose that moment to start squirming in his seat. Olivia gently slowed the swing with one hand, and a moment later he wriggled off and onto the ground.

To Olivia's surprise Alex bent down in a squat so she was on eye level with Noah.

 _"_ _Hi little man"_

She gave him a cheeky smile, which made Noah giggle before turning and burying his head against Olivia's leg.

 _"_ _My name is Alex, I'm a friend of your Mommy's."_

Uncharacteristically shy, Noah hesitated before extending a paw to shake the hand Alex proffered.

 _"_ _What's your favourite thing on the playground?"_

Noah pointed to the slippery dip across the way.

 _"_ _Want to show me?"_

Noah nodded; seeming now enraptured by Alex and ran off towards the colourful structure a few meters away.

Alex slowly rose, and Olivia tried not to picture the powerful glutes in those long legs for her to be able to stand so gracefully after squatting that long.

She raised an eyebrow in amusement at the blonde.

 _"_ _What?"_ Alex blushed slightly, as if unsure what she'd done to merit such an expression.

 _"_ _Alex 2.0 does children."_

 _"_ _Ben met a girl and has the requisite 2.1 children now, Auntie Alex has had to learn how to change a diaper and stave off a temper tantrum"_ Alex shook her head as she referenced the younger brother who had been a college senior the time Olivia had met him.

She then looked up and caught Olivia's eye somewhat flirtatiously.

 _"_ _Alex 2.0? After all these years I'd like to think I'm at least Alex 7.0 now."_

Olivia couldn't help herself.

 _"_ _And what features does an Alex 7.0 come with?"_

 _"_ _The usual, more storage space, higher megapixel camera."_ The blonde looked sideways at Olivia, a cheeky glint dancing into the blue orbs now. _"Much more sensitive touchscreen technology, and very effective voice activation."_

 _"_ _I seem to recall quite effective voice activation in the original Alex."_ Olivia bit her lip to suppress a smile. She hadn't meant to start flirting with Alex, _dammit_ , she'd forgotten how natural their banter was.

Alex ginned, then looked down, and when she looked up her expression was more serious.

 _"_ _You wanted to talk?"_

She had resumed her hard to read expression.

Olivia took a deep breath and started her prepared monologue. " _I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page. Ed doesn't know we were a couple, and I didn't know how much you'd told Nathalie about our history. Just thought we should avoid any…"_ she paused momentarily looking for the right word _. "…Nasty surprises at dinner."_

Alex nodded curtly.

 _"_ _Nathalie knows I left someone when I went into witness protection and that it was someone I was serious about. She also knows we worked together and were friends, but I haven't told her that you're the woman."_

It was strange to hear Alex's businesslike description of their relationship juxtaposed to the confessions they had made in the bathroom. Phrases _'someone I was serious about'_ and _'the woman'_ ricocheted around Olivia's mind. It sounded almost more real delivered in such a factual tone.

She forced herself to nod. _"Great. We're on the same page then."_

Alex fixed her with another searching look. _"If that's all then?"_ She briefly paused, as if hopeful Olivia would say something. After a second when Olivia didn't react she continued, seemingly not game to let the silence linger this time. _"I've got to get back to the office."_

She nodded at Olivia briskly, and looked over at where Noah had become distracted playing in the sand and waved. A moment later she was striding back across the grass.

Noah came scampering over to Olivia and tugged at her hand. _"Why your friend go now?"_

Olivia still had one eye on Alex's retreating figure. She sighed heavily, and looked down at Noah.

 _"_ _Because we have bad timing, that's why sweetie."_ She gave him a sad smile _. "And speaking of time, I think it's about time you and I were going home."_ Her voice lifted at the end of the sentence and she swooped down and scooped Noah up, lightly tickling him so that he giggled loudly.

 _"_ _Mommy can we have S'getti tonight?"_

 _._

AN thanks for all the reviews! I love that I'm not the only one still obsessed with Cabenson after all these years! Both your interest and Liv's breakup with Tucker on the show have convinced me that this story is worth fleshing out a bit. Can't promise how soon the next instalment will be written, but for now a certain dashing blonde attorney has just made an appearance in my other fic 'Patience is a Virtue'. (Barba has to take a holiday sometime - am I right?). This story is earlier in S15/16, the plotline has been Rolivia so far, but with Cabenson flashbacks (albeit very different scenario to this story) … Now Alex is back, and it's building up to Olivia having to choose between her and Amanda. I genuinely haven't decided which one she'll go for, so will be influenced by comments!


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia had just found parking around the corner from the restaurant when she got Ed's text.

 _Issue at the 2-6. Heading into an interview now, will join asap._

The feeling of dread that had been hovering in the background all day was abruptly compounded, her gut lurching as she thought about the chances of Ed actually making it anytime soon. Olivia stopped in the street to tap out a quick reply to Ed, seriously considering if it wasn't too late to simply bail on the whole arrangement. As far as Olivia was concerned, facing Alex and Nathalie alone was to enter one of Dante's rings of hell.

 _"Olivia, is that you?"_

 _Fuck_. There was no mistaking that accent.

Olivia turned around to see Nathalie walking towards her. She was even more stunning than Olivia remembered, cream wool coat perfectly setting off her dark hair and caramel complexion, cheekbones glowing and charcoal eyes sparkling.

Without hesitation Nathalie threw an arm around Olivia's shoulders and greeted her with a customary European kiss on both cheeks. Olivia couldn't help but inhale her perfume, it was deep and musky, yet somehow managed not to be old fashioned. It was exactly like Olivia would have imagined French Society ladies to smell like. Exactly like the perfect woman for Alex would smell like.

 _"_ _I'm so 'appy to see you. Alex has been 'eld up in court, but should be here in 'alf an 'our or so. Where is Ed?"_

 _"_ _Also held up at work."_ Olivia gave Nathalie a look of friendly commiseration at their shared plight, but on the inside her heart beat a bit faster. In one way it was perhaps better not to be alone facing Alex and Nathalie as a couple… but _god, what am I going to talk about for half an hour with the woman who is fucking the love of my life?_ The thought inadvertently danced across her conscious, catching her off guard. Since when had she reverted back to thinking of Alex as the love of her life?

 _"_ _They've got a nice Bar inside, we can 'ave a drink while we wait" Nathalie_ said with a smile.

 _"_ _Perfect"._ Olivia could only hope that alcohol would calm her nerves and make her brain stop being ridiculous. She tried to listen to the rational voice in her head that insisted she was deigning Alex undue importance - her life was (hopefully) far from over, so who said Alex was the pinnacle of it? Nevertheless there was a sinking, nauseous feeling in her stomach when she looked at Nathalie.

The waiter opted to seat them at their table rather than the bar, even after Nathalie had explained in fast French that half the party would be late.

Without glancing at her menu, Nathalie caught Olivia's eye.

 _"I know we should probably drink something French, but they do amazing Gin Martinis here."_

 _God. Yes_. Olivia wasn't normally a Martini drinker, but she definitely needed something strong.

 _"If that's what you recommend."_

 _"Deux Martini sil vous plait"_ Nathalie commanded their waiter.

 _"You're in New York a lot then?"_ It was the first thing that came to her head. As the words spilled out Olivia just hoped they were less accusatory aloud than how they had reverberated in her skull.

Nathalie's relaxed reply gave her reason to believe so.

 _"I can do some of my work remotely, so I manage to do a lot of long weekends. And if someone from our office needs to visit Washington or New York I'm first to volunteer."_

Olivia nodded. It made sense.

The waiter arrived with their drinks.

With a quick toast to _'new friends'_ they took a sip. The strong, tangy liquid trickled down Olivia's throat. Hopefully this would mute some of the hawkish voices circling in her mind.

Olivia stared at her drink fixedly, trying to think of something else to ask that didn't involve Alex. There may have been a million questions in the world about Nathalie's travels, her upbringing in France, but in that moment Olivia couldn't think of a single one. She was fighting hard not to picture Alex's lithe, pale hands caressing that stunning darker hued skin.

Thankfully Nathalie cleared her throat to say something.

 _"So you and Alex were close?"_

Or not so thankfully.

 _"We mostly just worked together."_ Olivia hated herself for lying, but she didn't really know what to say to this woman.

Nathalie's brow creased in consternation.

 _"Alex keeps a book in ze top drawer of 'er bedside table,"_ she cocked her head somewhat conspiratorially at Olivia. _"and we both know it's not ze 'oly bible."_

Olivia's mind was working two fold. What was this woman talking about? A book?

She tried to freeze her face in polite amusement, but as the seconds raced by her confusion began to escalate. Was it some kind of diary or god-help-her _a sex book?_

Surprised at Olivia's blank look, Nathalie continued

 _"'er vintage copy of Ze Merchant of Venice"_

Relieved to be in the loop again, the blood rushed back to Olivia's brain cells. _That book._

 _"I didn't connect it at first, because you didn't sign it with your full name, but it was from you wasn't it? She has a picture of the two of you pressed in the back, at the pool at the Cabot Hamptons House. You were a lot younger, but I see now it's you."_

Olivia nodded, _"A lifetime ago"_ she cleared her throat, _"I had no idea she kept it"_

Nathalie looked at Olivia somewhat appraisingly.

 _"It is 'er favourite. Why wouldn't she keep it?"_ She stirred her Martini thoughtfully then chuckled, more to herself than in Olivia's direction. " _You must think me very direct. I can't get used to ze way you Americans say these polite platitudes, even to your friends."_

She fixed her eyes on Olivia, a cheeky twinkle of 'je ne sais quoi' bubbling in them, compelling Olivia to honesty.

 _"perhaps a little"_

Both women found themselves laughing aloud at the obvious understatement.

A sharp pain jabbed at Olivia's conscience. Nathalie wasn't just beautiful and intelligent, she was fun. Olivia had never been one for having ' _girlfriends'_ in the platonic sense of the word. But nevertheless Nathalie was the kind of woman she could actually imagine chuckling with over wine and swapping stories about life's mishaps. . Perhaps it was the frenchness, but she had a kind of no-fucks-given authenticity about her that was invigorating.

Prior to this moment Olivia had been enjoying hating Nathalie, just a little bit. She knew of course, that it was pure jealousy. But it was fast becoming evident that even the nastiest bit of Olivia couldn't hate the woman in the flesh.

 _"Seriously though Olivia"_

With that delectable accent, Olivia's name rolled off her tongue musically in 3 distinct syllables.

She continued _"I worry about Alex. She doesn't 'ave so many friends. Real friends. You and Alex were obviously close, and I can see you care about 'er. She needs people like you in her life"_

Olivia looked down at her drink. She had no idea what to even begin say to that.

 _"Nathalie… Alex and I-"_ God, even if she wanted to 'fess up, she'd agreed with Alex not to say anything.

 _"Olivia, stop looking like somebody died. I know you were lovers."_

Olivia blinked.

Nathalie grinned at Olivia's shock _"You expect me to be jealous? You said yourself it was a lifetime ago. We're all adults, its not like anyone doesn't 'ave a 'istory, and you know, particularly among women, I sometimes find that ex lovers can be the most supportive friends… provided they aren't insane of course."_ She laughed melodiously again, and Olivia couldn't help but join her. She could feel the Gin rising to her head, but quickly threw back the rest of the glass nonetheless.

 _"That can be true."_

Managing to catch the waiter's eye, Olivia signalled for another drink.

 _"Alex needs more than just me in her life. I want her to have people like you Olivia."_

Olivia nodded numbly. _Fuck._ Nathalie was an even nicer, better girlfriend than Olivia could have dreamed up in her worst nightmare. She felt physically ill for every impure thought she'd had about Alex in the last few weeks. Nathalie loved Alex selflessly. _Fuck, Nathalie deserves Alex._

 _"She doesn't let people in easily."_ Olivia heard her voice echo in the space between them before she realised she was speaking. It was like she'd split into two people, one Olivia was on autopilot continuing their repartee, while the other was having a panicked meltdown in her mind.

 _"Why is that?"_ Nathalie furrowed a brow and looked at Olivia questioningly.

Grasping the stem of her fresh Martini slightly too tightly, Olivia struggled to swallow her tumultuous feelings and remain composed. She had just taken an oversized gulp of the acidic nectar to postpone answering when an all too familiar voice interrupted.

 _"Why is what?"_

 _Alex._

 _"Why can neither Olivia nor I manage to get our partners 'ere on time?"_ Nathalie singsonged cheekily back at Alex, rising to give her a chaste kiss on the cheek, pausing just long enough to make it intimate.

Olivia quickly looked down at her drink embarrassed, before dizzily realising she needed to act normal. She looked up, her eyes immediately falling straight into Alex's hypnotic blue gaze. Alex's look was momentarily searching, before she broke into a smile and lent in to air kiss Olivia in greeting. It was all Olivia could manage to go through the motions, futilely hoping Alex wouldn't smell the volume of Gin on her breath.

 _"I don't know if I should be asking you if you've been playing nice with Olivia or Liv if she's been playing nice with you?"_ Alex playfully threw at Nathalie with a sideways glance at Olivia.

 _Only fucking Alex could manage to flirt with both of us simultaneously._

Olivia knew she had to somehow shake this feeling off if she was going to make it through dinner. Catching herself before she could reflexively plop back down onto her seat, Olivia scooped up her handbag.

 _"Now we have company, I'll just duck to the ladies."_

She turned her back as quickly as was polite, and after very nearly walking into the kitchen, found herself alone in a small ladies room.

Fourteen years since they'd broken up, and this was the second time in a month that Alex had reduced Olivia to hyperventilating in a bathroom. This time Alex wasn't even there in person for most of the lead up to it.

 _Fuuuuuuuck._

She hated Nathalie for loving Alex, she hated herself for hating Nathalie and she hated Alex for putting her in this position. _Who am I kidding?_

She loved Alex. She had always loved Alex. Since before she was prepared to admit it. Since she gave her that damn book. Now that the feeling was ignited again she had no idea how she had managed to squish it down into dormancy for so long.

 _And she had kept the book._ It really was a lifetime ago but Olivia could still recall hunting for it like it was yesterday, could still hear Elliot's whinging as she detoured their route to duck into yet another second hand bookshop without giving him a proper reason. He had thought she was possessed, and perhaps she had been. At that point two months had passed since she had first trespassed the bounds of professionalism on Alex's desk top. Two months punctuated by a handful of sporadic encounters, stolen kisses, quick fucks. Two months of them managing not to talk about what was happening. First an ill-timed phone call drawing Olivia urgently away, then a knock on an office door. They were inconveniently interrupted each time, until hasty, awkward endings became their habit.

But two months had also been enough time for it to dawn on Olivia that this wasn't what she wanted from the statuesque Blonde, not _all_ that she wanted, so when a tidbit of information about the Attorney had fallen into her lap per chance, she had hatched a plan.

.

 _A thin spiral of steam creeps up off her third cup of coffee, nestled in between stacks DD5's on her desk. The squad room is eerily quiet; she can hear the scratching of Elliot's pen, above a distant murmur of voices._

 _This morning is an endless stream of hours, minutes and seconds._

 _Olivia agitatedly traces the groove etched into the edge of her desk with her fingertips. Tries to focus back on the form in front of her, small black letters swimming before her eyes._

 _Unsuccessful, she stretches back and sighs loudly, earning her a raised eyebrow from Elliot. He's still confused about why she's been in the office since 6am when they don't have a case, and she deliberately hasn't told him about her early morning excursion to drop a carefully wrapped package at the DA's office._

 _A phone rings on Munch's desk and she flinches._

 _Who says she would call anyway?_

 _Maybe she has plans. Maybe she's coming to work late today._

 _With each passing quarter hour increment on the clock across the room the sinking feeling in the pit of Olivia's stomach grows. Perhaps she's made a huge misjudgment. The artificial light of the squad room burns her tired eyes. She can't sit still any longer._

 _She's just about to make an excuse to Elliot and duck outside for some fresh air when a distant clicking noise catches her attention. Her hear hammers. It isn't?_

 _Ten seconds later it's clear that it is. Olivia has memorised the click of those heels, and can almost count down to the exact second her blonde head will come into view. She looks down at her papers studiously._

 _"Counsellor, to what do we owe the pleasure?" Elliot's voice gives Olivia permission to look up._

 _Alex isn't looking at Elliot though, she's looking directly at Olivia. "Detective Benson and I had plans to go over her testimony for the Andrews case, I hope you didn't forget?"_

 _Olivia desperately tries to read the Attorneys stern expression. They never had any such plans. Olivia is sure of it._

 _Alex materialising in front of her desk has to mean either the best or worst possible outcome of her grand gesture._

 _"The trial date isn't for a fortnight". Elliot pipes up, earning him a scowl from Alex._

 _"And I'm a busy woman detective Stabler, with an opening in my schedule this morning. If you think you'd do a better job at organising my calendar you can send your CV to the DA's office for the role of my assistant."_

 _Elliot doesn't reply, Olivia doesn't have to turn her head to know he's silently fuming. Her stomach flips over, Alex being in prime predator mode doesn't bode well for her. Those penetrating blue blue eyes are glowering at her now. Fuck. She stands up too quickly, jolting her desk and slopping coffee on her sack of freshly finished DD5's. Scrambling for a notepad she mumbles that interview room 3 is free, and can hear Alex turn and walk ahead of her._

 _Elliot mouths something that Olivia can't quite catch, but she gets the gist of the sentiment. She can feel her muscles clenching in anticipation of the emotional blow, bracing defensively for disappointment as she slips into the room behind Alex and softly clicks the door behind her._

 _She is thankful this room without the two way mirror is free. Olivia can do without an audience to her humiliation, she doesn't quite trust Elliot not to get curious and check on them._

 _Blocked from dissipating by four solid eggshell coloured walls, the fluorescent ceiling light is intensified in this particular room and when Olivia dares to look up Alex's hair is glowing incandescently. Her pale brows are still slightly narrowed, her lips pursed, albeit perfectly contoured by a soft pink lipstick._

 _Olivia can feel the echoes of their last encounter in this proximity wash over her. A particularly frustrating court case had ended in a pub, sweaty bodies pushed up against a bathroom door, urgently seeking gratification before they are missed by the rest of their party. Just thinking about it sends a wave of arousal reverberating through her being._

 _"How did you know it was my birthday?"_

 _The question is softer and doesn't sound quite as accusatory as Olivia is expecting, if Olivia didn't believe the confident attorney immune to mere mortal insecurities, she'd say it was almost nervous._

 _"In some circles they call me Detective Benson" mirroring the Alex's soft tone, she offers a shy, flirtatious smile._

 _Not being jumped on and shut down immediately has ignited some hope. Perhaps, just perhaps Alex isn't here to reject her._

 _"Touche"_

 _Olivia doesn't speak. She has put her cards on the table, this is Alex's round._

 _"Well how did you know it was my favourite?"_

 _Olivia's instinctive elation at knowing she'd chosen the book correctly is cut short by a combative undertone in the blonde's words. It is no longer a friendly question._

 _Olivia furrows her eyebrows in confusion._

 _"Lucky guess."_

 _'When you're passionate in the courtroom you remind me of Portia', is what Olivia wants to say, but her nerves have frozen her tongue._

 _"Very lucky" Alex's voice now drips with sarcasm. "although it wouldn't come down to luck if someone had been reading my emails."_

 _"what?" Olivia blurts it out. Completely taken off guard._

 _"If someone hacked, or had IT Crimes hack, my personal email, they would have known that based on an email from June 16th. Would they not,_ Detective _Benson?_

 _Olivia's mind is spinning. How the actual fuck did her thoughtful gift get spun into what was essentially an accusation of stalking?_

 _"Seriously?" she spluttered._

 _"Seriously." Alex's voice is cutting._

 _Olivia can't disguise her disappointment. She shrugs her shoulders back and can feel herself shutting down._

 _"whatever Cabot."_

 _She begins to turn to the door._

 _"Liv, wait. I didn't mean to be an asshole."_

 _The barely detectable shake in Alex's voice compels Olivia to pause. She deigns to look up and is somewhat surprised to be greeted with more sincerity and vulnerability than she's ever seen before on the attorney's face. Alex, ADA Alexandra Cabot, looks like she could cry._

 _All of a sudden something falls into place for Olivia. She straightens up and looks Alex right in the eye. She pauses, letting the moment linger, wanting to be sure before she breaks the increasingly heavy silence._

 _"Alex, you don't have to make me angry for me to want you."_

 _Alex doesn't reply, but doesn't take her eyes off Olivia either. Something that Olivia swears is a flicker of hope seems to dance there, buoying the detective's confidence that she's read the scenario correctly._

 _She reaches up and traces a finger lightly over Alex's cheek, feeling the blonde shiver._

 _It's now or never._

 _"I want to take you to dinner."_

 _She pauses, Alex still doesn't speak, but she reaches up and clasps Olivia's fingers in her own before they can fall back to the detective's side. Olivia feels a quiver at the contact. She clears her throat._

 _"I want to take you to dinner, I want to make you laugh, like really laugh, and then at the end I want to be somewhere that isn't an office or a bathroom and where we're not worried someone is going to burst in, and I want to make you blush with a cheesy compliment before I summon the courage to kiss you properly."_

 _"Properly?" The attorney finally finds her voice, albeit softly, and cocks an eyebrow at Olivia. A small smile plays at her lips._

 _Olivia's brain is at saturation point. Unable to think of a witty reply, she intuitively leans in and in one swift but gentle movement closes the space between them. She brushes her lips airily across the blonde's, before pushing softly against them. She carefully and tenderly caresses Alex, each languid movement delicately juxtaposed to their usual frenzy, trying to convey all the overwhelming feelings that she doesn't have words for. Alex kisses her back, initially matching her leisurely pace before moaning softly and attempting to deepen the kiss._

 _Olivia chooses that moment to pull away._

 _"Properly." she says with a cheeky lopsided grin._

 _"Ah, I see." Alex looks lighter and brighter, like something that vastly exceeds her wildest hope has just happened. "I have dinner with my parents tonight, but have a space in my schedule for being kissed properly on Friday?"_

 _"Friday it is." Olivia nods and knowing she needs to quit while she's ahead, turns for the door, before realising there is something she has forgotten to say. She half turns in the doorway, "Happy Birthday Alex."_

 _._

Olivia looked herself in the eye. She was a grown woman, a Lieutenant, a mother. More importantly she was a person of character and someone who had decades of experience making tough calls. _I got this._

She exhaled deeply and made her way out of the bathroom. Much to her relief she'd hardly gone a few steps before spotting a familiar bald head at their table. She felt a rush of affection for Ed, in honesty, more so than at any point since the ball. She really hadn't expected him to get there that quickly.

He rose when he saw her approach, chivalrously pulling her chair out in a single fluid movement as he gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Olivia couldn't help but to flick her eyes over at Alex and was gratified to see that the attorney's eyes briefly narrowed.

In Olivia's absence a bottle of Champagne and four glasses had materialised on their table and as she sat her companions raised their glasses,

 _"to this dinner finally 'appening" Nathalie_ toasted.

With Ed and Nathalie's seemingly unfaltering enthusiasm for both each other and for France, the conversation flowed freely for a while without Olivia having to actively participate.

Alex too was for the most part idly listening, although she sporadically interjected with some witty one liners.

After some time though, Olivia began to get the feeling that thanks to her little performance at the Police Foundation Ball her companions were purposefully avoiding the topic of Alex and Nathalie's career prospects, be it on either side of the Atlantic. There had also been no reference of the new president, something that was rare in conversation these days. The nations unexpected political situation seemed to have infiltrated every facet of conversation in recent times.

Olivia decided that she was going to have to act like an adult and be the one to deflate the elephant in the room.

 _"So have you had any developments on the job at the ICC?"_

Olivia was careful to keep her voice light and measured.

Alex looked surprised by the question, but answered readily.

 _"Unfortunately in the end they were looking so someone with a slightly different profile, so it didn't come to anything."_

Alex's bright blue eyes fleetingly darted to Nathalie, before she arranged her features in a polite 'oh well' expression and shrugged at Olivia and Ed. Olivia wasn't sure if the distinct buzz of alcohol was clouding her judgement but she could have sworn Alex wasn't being entirely forthcoming. She couldn't even place exactly what part of Alex's mannerism suggested it, but Olivia couldn't help but think of Alex trying to pull the wool over the defence in the courtroom.

Nathalie shook her head. _"I still don't understand why Francois would 'ave suggested it if you didn't fit the profile. I'll be speaking to 'im next week and try to find out what 'appened."_

 _"I told you, you don't need to do that."_ Alex's reply was sharp, and she seemed to realise belatedly. She put a hand on Nathalie's arm and spoke apologetically. _"Don't want to look like sour grapes. There'll be other opportunities."_

 _"You need to get the application in for the OECD one in Paris"._ There was a hint in Nathalie's tone that perhaps this had been a point of contention between them.

She turned back across the table with a wry smile. _"But you two didn't come to listen to this - as you can see we 'aven't progressed very far since we last saw you."_

With a prompt from Nathalie the conversation moved back into safe water, Ed enquiring about current French sentiment towards the Brexit negotiations.

Olivia played with the stem of her wine glass, only half listening when she looked back and found Alex staring at her. The blondes expression was not quite clear, there was something wistful and and anxious.

The next second she was joining the conversation about European politics and Olivia wasn't sure if she had imagined the look until she heard the next words to tumble out of Alex's mouth.

" _If David Cameron had thought there was a chance in hell of this happening he would never have called the referendum in the first place."_

Alex raised an eyebrow and surveyed Olivia, somewhat brazenly, before turning her gaze to Ed and Nathalie and continuing lament the current tide of populist politics sweeping the West.

Olivia didn't register what Alex was saying about Merkel and Putin; her thoughts were frozen on Alex's choice of words.

 _'A chance in hell of this_.' That eyebrow made it abundantly transparent that the direct reflection of her words in the bathroom was no accident. Alex may have been hesitant and demure at the park, but now she had summoned the audacity to make it clear - she was waiting on Olivia's answer. And Alex had never been particularly good at waiting.

Olivia's gut lurched and she found herself throwing back the rest of her wine glass quite hurriedly.

 _Was there a chance in hell of 'this'?_

Logical Olivia had determined weeks ago that the answer should be no.

 _"Liv?"_

Ed was touching her arm all of a sudden.

 _"What?"_

The three of them were all looking at her expectantly.

 _"Nathalie just asked you if you'd been to London."_ Ed looked concerned.

 _"Gosh, I'm sorry, I was completely absorbed thinking about Noah, I must have zoned out."_

 _"Aye, look at the time"_ Nathalie pushed back her sleeve from a shiny gold wristwatch.

Despite Olivia's insistence that she was fine, within a few minutes they had agreed to call it a night and were preparing to leave the restaurant.

Alex spoke seemingly to Nathalie, but loudly enough for Olivia to hear.

 _"I'm afraid I'm headed back to the office."_

Nathalie's face didn't conceal her disappointment.

 _"it was the only way I was ever going to get here Nat."_

Although the statement was clearly directed at Nathalie, as the frowning French woman looked down to tie her coat Alex looked directly at Olivia with another raised eyebrow.

Olivia felt her heart quicken and told herself it was with indignation, _how dare she look at Olivia like that with Nathalie right beside her? Just who the fuck does Alexandra Cabot think she is?_

 _What was Olivia supposed to do? Drop everything and follow her?_

The four of them exited the restaurant, and in a flurry of double air kisses and promises - from Ed and Nathalie at least - to do it again soon, they parted ways.

Alone on the pavement with Ed, Olivia found herself wincing slightly as he put an arm around her.

 _"God, that Nathalie is a character"._ Ed effused over the vivacious Frenchwoman.

Olivia waited a few paces and attempted to casually shrug his hand away. She was still on so edge, just the feeling of his hand on her skin was abrasive to her.

 _"Where's your car? I'm just around this next corner, shall I follow you home?"_

He hadn't seemed to notice her moodiness.

 _"Ed I'm exhausted, would it be ok if I just went home alone tonight?"_

All Olivia's senses, her whole mind was brimming with one thing, one person, and she couldn't imagine trying to make small talk with Ed, cuddling up to Ed, touching Ed. Not tonight. She needed space to clear her thoughts, to shake the Cabot curse out of her system.

 _"Of course. Are you ok Liv?"_

Ed looked slightly hurt; she could see in his eyes that it wasn't just her statement. She knew that this was becoming part of a pattern, her slowly pushing him out to arms length. Olivia felt bad, but not bad enough to change her mind.

 _"Yeah, It's been a great night but I just need some sleep. We'll arrange something for the weekend."_

He nodded, moving in to embrace her for a kiss goodbye. Olivia stepped in, fighting not to seem rigid, but firmly deflecting his lips to her cheek before saying goodbye.

For everything else on her mind, she wasn't immune to a pang of sadness watching his deflated shoulders turn the next corner. Ed was a good man.

She started to walk, but then stopped dead in her tracks; she couldn't remember where she'd left her car. The whole evening was a blur, she recalled Nathalie approaching her on the pavement, _what direction was I walking from?_

It suddenly occurred to Olivia that perhaps she shouldn't be driving. Ed hadn't seen her down the first two Martinis before the shared wine, so wouldn't have realised she might be over the limit.

 _F_ _uck. She was stranded, Ed was sad._ This was all Alex _fucking_ Cabot's fault and Olivia had half a mind to go to her office and tell her.

 _But that would be a terrible idea._


End file.
